Hey Yu En,
Thanks for everything!
By the time you see this carefully worded email, I had already let go and moved on forward. The past long one month was enough to emote my feelings of bereavement. I have a tough time editing and re-editing this email to you. I didn’t know whether you would read it or even respond to it. Today is the first 30 days after our breakup. I have to say, I didn’t appreciate the manner you conducted our breakup, via phone. I guess it’s time to leave every sad memories and lost hope to the month of April and start the month of May without the burden of the past.
What I wish or hope for doesn’t matter anymore, at least to you. I have made mistakes in the past, everyone does, and now I’m receiving the consequences. You have made your choice, whether pressured by family or voluntarily. I can tell that you have been under tremendous stress lately, pardon me if I inadvertently contribute to your stress. I know whatever I say couldn’t undo any of my past inconsiderate attitude that caused you unhappiness. Like I say before, I’ll stay on only if I can make you happy. Since I did not manage to do so, it’s time to end the relationship.
I don’t want to blame you, myself or the world. If we’re not meant to be together, there’s no point in persisting and create unhappiness to the one I love. If we’re meant to be together, then we will be together.
I have no regrets in the past going to whatever extent and effort to maintain my first relationship. I know I had tried my very best to win your heart. My only regret is that whatever I did wasn’t enough to convince you that I’m the right guy. Of course, there will always be rooms for improvement and I will learn to become a better person. I think both of us learnt important lessons that we won’t repeat in our future relationships. I will definitely find a better girl next time so will you.
We started off as strangers, but I really don’t hope to end like that. I don’t know how but I really hope we can still be on good mutual terms, if that is ever truly possible. Your decision may have ended my love for you. But my care for you still exists unless you think otherwise. Thus, I would like you to know, if ever you need a friend to share your happiness or sorrow, I’ll always be there to listen, as your loyal friend. Right now, we don’t owe each other anything, so anything that goes from here should come out freely from our hearts and souls.
You’ll be working professional soon, should you require anything at all, really anything at all, I’d be happy to offer my assistance. I’d like to continue MSN chat or skype with you like before. We can crap whole nite and talk about MOs and Specialists and discuss medical managements. We can still share thoughts about other people, whenever you’re ready.
P.S. If I couldn’t wish for long term friendship with you, at least I would wish you happiness in your future path. All the best and good luck in whatever you do. I will always pray for your well being and happiness. I always pray to God to guide me to be a better person and make me know Him more. May God bless you.
Your loyal friend always,
Gary Lee Chong Chearn
Friday, April 29, 2011
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Rebirth Day 28 - Pain reliever
I had a game of DOTA with my colleagues.
Then I went to the bar with my close friend, OCS. Had a heart to heart chat and finally I've released all my love story there. Now I have no more attachment.
Then I went to the bar with my close friend, OCS. Had a heart to heart chat and finally I've released all my love story there. Now I have no more attachment.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Rebirth Day 27 - My initial final email, a mixture of pain and suppressed feelings
By the time you see this carefully worded email, I had already let go and moved on forward. The past one month was long enough to emote my feelings of bereavement. Initially I was unhappy with the way you break the news via phone instead of face-to-face meeting. But I choose to forgive you, and don’t wish to pass over any emotions. I have deleted unnecessary words to spare you unwanted feelings. I choose to discuss facts instead of emotions. At the same time, I choose to forgive myself for whatever unintended unhappiness that I may have caused to the one I love. Life is a series of choice, and I choose optimism and forgiveness as my strength.
This past month, I had been trying to backtrack and analyse what brought us to this predicament. But I experienced indescribable pain flipping through all those memories. What was once sweet for months suddenly became bland and turned bitter. I’ve spent countless sleepless nights pondering about our past. I’ve been through loss, anxiety, anger, depression, and acceptance. You weren’t there when I needed you most, but it’s alright. I realised that the reasons you gave were valid. Religion, I wasn’t a devout Buddhist back then, however I was prepared to embrace a new religion if that will bring us closer had we progressed further. I just wished you’d be able to accept the presence of Buddhism in my parents’ life. If my necklace could bring so much misery to you, I do doubt how well you’d accept my parents into your life if we were meant to be together. Parental judgement, I have no comments, since your parents had formed their judgement early. Both of us do have our own expectations of couple though. If we can tolerate on our expectations of each other, we would still be together. Maybe the understanding wasn’t deep enough for the both of us. Uncertain future settling place, that is certain. I was willing to consider staying in foreign state for my future partner. You don’t want to be my burden and you would wish to freely pick your future place. So I say, let’s reach for the sky and fly high on our own paths. Last but not least, we weren’t well prepared for a relationship, since this was our first romantic relationship. You once mentioned we might not even have started had we researched all the above reasons. We progressed too fast, didn’t really explore each other’s background compatibilities and family acceptance or look for the middle point of tolerance, before getting carried away with intimacy. Having said that, I choose to believe that love should be felt with the heart, and not analysed with the rational mind. Thus, I have no regrets in the progression of our relationship. I believe the above issues can be solved had we spared some time and effort to work out solutions. Other issues wouldn’t be a factor if we had enough faith in each other.
(This part was unedited as I wish you’ll treasure our magical moments from the start till our short-lived end.) The path we started on was so innocent and fun. All I wanted was to get to know you. All I wanted was to hang out with you. You were the special girl that I never thought exist and would become my first girlfriend. You have everything that I thought would be perfect for the girl of my dream. I truly enjoy the time when we fully express our affection to each other. I do appreciate your every attempt to share your heart with me. I do appreciate all the nice and thoughful little actions you showed me. I felt very special during those moments. I am grateful to you for wanting to fill up our ‘log books’ together as a couple. It was a dream comes true. I do loved you with all my heart and soul. I do enjoy every single moment shared with you, most are happy ones (which I treasure in my heart and soul, sad ones die off with my past self). I do embrace all the influences you bring to my life (I eat healthier, be more gentlemanly, more understanding, be more positive, listen to English songs, speaking in English). I will never be able to forget the old places that serve as reminders of our presence in JB, Singapore, KL, and Melbourne.
We both changed over time when we’re exposed to new places and you met more new people in your ‘huge’ world that you can’t wait to explore. Throughout time, we grew more comfortable with each other that we started to take each other for granted. But all was still well until the time when one of us stopped trying. It was when things took a downturn. I wanted to leave you a pleasant memory untainted by imperfection. However, our relationship did not work out and had to end with separation. Yet I hope at least we have learnt important lessons in our relationship to help us in the search for our future suitable partners.
I used to mind if you’ve found a new boyfriend, coz I’ve heard rumours. But our separation seemed so long ago. Someday I’d receive news that you’ve met the guy of your dream. I’d be happy for you should you really meet the one you love and can bring you happiness. Be it the Melbourne good guy or old friend you met abroad, you have my blessings. I want you to know, deep in my heart, I’ll always pray for your happiness. That’s the least I can do for you right now. And I’ll find a better soul partner who love me wholeheartedly and bring me happiness at the same time.
Buddhism has a saying, attachment is the source of all sufferings. I have learnt to relax and let go of all forms of attachments especially negative emotions that would weigh us down. People come in and go out of our lives, I have learnt to let the world goes round. By letting go of attachments, only then can I free myself of the chain of the past. By releasing all unhappy thoughts and events, I can open my heart to any happiness that may come my way. I choose not to harbour any resentment, only anticipations that tomorrow will be an even better day, for the both of us.
I will never forget your beautiful words, “Whatever you want to say next, my answer is positive”. Yes, we should stay positive for the rest of our lives.
Thus, I would like you to know, if ever you need a friend to share your happiness or sorrow, I’ll always be there to listen, as your loyal friend. Now, I have no regrets in the past going to whatever extent and effort to maintain our first relationship. I know I had tried my very best to win your heart. My only regret is that whatever I did wasn’t enough to convince you that I’m the right guy. Maybe you’re not the right person to feel my heart and safe keep it. Fate has a way of putting things in place. Right now, we don’t owe each other anything, so anything that goes from here should come out freely from our hearts and souls.
I choose to have no expectations from you if that is what you really want and if it will make you feel happier. You may no longer want to share your feelings with me, and it’s your right and I respect that. This email doesn’t change anything if you no longer care about me. I hope the message contained here would be beneficial for you in the future. I don’t know what the future holds, but if our paths do cross in the future, things might be different from what we expected, who knows?
Some things do change, but my care for you won’t. Having released negative emotions not to anyone but to the empty space where they belong, I feel happier by the day making choices in life that I would cherish. We started off as strangers, but I really don’t hope to end like that. I don’t know how but I really hope we can still be on good mutual terms, if that is ever truly possible.
You’ll be working professional soon, should you require anything at all, really anything at all, I’d be happy to offer my assistance. . I’d like to continue MSN chat or skype with you like before. We can crap whole nite and talk about MOs and Specialists and discuss medical managements. We can still share thoughts about other people, whenever you’re ready.
Initially, I was upset at the way you inform me of our breakup. Via phone, not even skype. The first time I was driving to work, and the second time I was on call in ICU. Thank goodness, I wasn’t involved in accident or cause any patient’s loss of life. My MO and specialist were understanding enough to tell me to take a break. You were in a hurry to break off our 8 months relationship yet you don’t have the courage to tell me face to face. And I was right beside you the whole time during the Melbourne trip. I sensed things were not right earlier before I came to visit you in Melbourne. You were distancing yourself ever since December. You always listen to your parents so I supposed you weren’t ready to get too involved. I was aware that you were not ready to share your feelings this time. You hope that the decision would benefit the both of us, yet you didn’t give me a chance to have a proper closure. You didn’t give me a fair trial when you pass the ‘judgement’ to end our relationship. You didn’t want to discuss face on, chat on the phone, on9 chat, or respond to my emails. If all this is for my benefit, why could I not appreciate what you’ve done for me? Why hit and run? We can initiate and end the relationship if we’re not happy. But we should do it in a professional manner and fair to each other. If one day you’re on the receiving end of the judgement, you’ll know how I felt. That day, I really felt that you’re not the Yu En that I once loved.
Here’s a song that closely represents previous feelings, let it go right here and now, k?
P.S. I do care for you but I don’t know how you want to proceed being friends. If I couldn’t wish for long term friendship with you, at least I would wish for happiness for you in your future path. I will add you in FB again someday, and it’s up to you when and whether to add me as friend when the time comes.
Your loyal friend always,
Gary
This past month, I had been trying to backtrack and analyse what brought us to this predicament. But I experienced indescribable pain flipping through all those memories. What was once sweet for months suddenly became bland and turned bitter. I’ve spent countless sleepless nights pondering about our past. I’ve been through loss, anxiety, anger, depression, and acceptance. You weren’t there when I needed you most, but it’s alright. I realised that the reasons you gave were valid. Religion, I wasn’t a devout Buddhist back then, however I was prepared to embrace a new religion if that will bring us closer had we progressed further. I just wished you’d be able to accept the presence of Buddhism in my parents’ life. If my necklace could bring so much misery to you, I do doubt how well you’d accept my parents into your life if we were meant to be together. Parental judgement, I have no comments, since your parents had formed their judgement early. Both of us do have our own expectations of couple though. If we can tolerate on our expectations of each other, we would still be together. Maybe the understanding wasn’t deep enough for the both of us. Uncertain future settling place, that is certain. I was willing to consider staying in foreign state for my future partner. You don’t want to be my burden and you would wish to freely pick your future place. So I say, let’s reach for the sky and fly high on our own paths. Last but not least, we weren’t well prepared for a relationship, since this was our first romantic relationship. You once mentioned we might not even have started had we researched all the above reasons. We progressed too fast, didn’t really explore each other’s background compatibilities and family acceptance or look for the middle point of tolerance, before getting carried away with intimacy. Having said that, I choose to believe that love should be felt with the heart, and not analysed with the rational mind. Thus, I have no regrets in the progression of our relationship. I believe the above issues can be solved had we spared some time and effort to work out solutions. Other issues wouldn’t be a factor if we had enough faith in each other.
(This part was unedited as I wish you’ll treasure our magical moments from the start till our short-lived end.) The path we started on was so innocent and fun. All I wanted was to get to know you. All I wanted was to hang out with you. You were the special girl that I never thought exist and would become my first girlfriend. You have everything that I thought would be perfect for the girl of my dream. I truly enjoy the time when we fully express our affection to each other. I do appreciate your every attempt to share your heart with me. I do appreciate all the nice and thoughful little actions you showed me. I felt very special during those moments. I am grateful to you for wanting to fill up our ‘log books’ together as a couple. It was a dream comes true. I do loved you with all my heart and soul. I do enjoy every single moment shared with you, most are happy ones (which I treasure in my heart and soul, sad ones die off with my past self). I do embrace all the influences you bring to my life (I eat healthier, be more gentlemanly, more understanding, be more positive, listen to English songs, speaking in English). I will never be able to forget the old places that serve as reminders of our presence in JB, Singapore, KL, and Melbourne.
We both changed over time when we’re exposed to new places and you met more new people in your ‘huge’ world that you can’t wait to explore. Throughout time, we grew more comfortable with each other that we started to take each other for granted. But all was still well until the time when one of us stopped trying. It was when things took a downturn. I wanted to leave you a pleasant memory untainted by imperfection. However, our relationship did not work out and had to end with separation. Yet I hope at least we have learnt important lessons in our relationship to help us in the search for our future suitable partners.
I used to mind if you’ve found a new boyfriend, coz I’ve heard rumours. But our separation seemed so long ago. Someday I’d receive news that you’ve met the guy of your dream. I’d be happy for you should you really meet the one you love and can bring you happiness. Be it the Melbourne good guy or old friend you met abroad, you have my blessings. I want you to know, deep in my heart, I’ll always pray for your happiness. That’s the least I can do for you right now. And I’ll find a better soul partner who love me wholeheartedly and bring me happiness at the same time.
Buddhism has a saying, attachment is the source of all sufferings. I have learnt to relax and let go of all forms of attachments especially negative emotions that would weigh us down. People come in and go out of our lives, I have learnt to let the world goes round. By letting go of attachments, only then can I free myself of the chain of the past. By releasing all unhappy thoughts and events, I can open my heart to any happiness that may come my way. I choose not to harbour any resentment, only anticipations that tomorrow will be an even better day, for the both of us.
I will never forget your beautiful words, “Whatever you want to say next, my answer is positive”. Yes, we should stay positive for the rest of our lives.
Thus, I would like you to know, if ever you need a friend to share your happiness or sorrow, I’ll always be there to listen, as your loyal friend. Now, I have no regrets in the past going to whatever extent and effort to maintain our first relationship. I know I had tried my very best to win your heart. My only regret is that whatever I did wasn’t enough to convince you that I’m the right guy. Maybe you’re not the right person to feel my heart and safe keep it. Fate has a way of putting things in place. Right now, we don’t owe each other anything, so anything that goes from here should come out freely from our hearts and souls.
I choose to have no expectations from you if that is what you really want and if it will make you feel happier. You may no longer want to share your feelings with me, and it’s your right and I respect that. This email doesn’t change anything if you no longer care about me. I hope the message contained here would be beneficial for you in the future. I don’t know what the future holds, but if our paths do cross in the future, things might be different from what we expected, who knows?
Some things do change, but my care for you won’t. Having released negative emotions not to anyone but to the empty space where they belong, I feel happier by the day making choices in life that I would cherish. We started off as strangers, but I really don’t hope to end like that. I don’t know how but I really hope we can still be on good mutual terms, if that is ever truly possible.
You’ll be working professional soon, should you require anything at all, really anything at all, I’d be happy to offer my assistance. . I’d like to continue MSN chat or skype with you like before. We can crap whole nite and talk about MOs and Specialists and discuss medical managements. We can still share thoughts about other people, whenever you’re ready.
Initially, I was upset at the way you inform me of our breakup. Via phone, not even skype. The first time I was driving to work, and the second time I was on call in ICU. Thank goodness, I wasn’t involved in accident or cause any patient’s loss of life. My MO and specialist were understanding enough to tell me to take a break. You were in a hurry to break off our 8 months relationship yet you don’t have the courage to tell me face to face. And I was right beside you the whole time during the Melbourne trip. I sensed things were not right earlier before I came to visit you in Melbourne. You were distancing yourself ever since December. You always listen to your parents so I supposed you weren’t ready to get too involved. I was aware that you were not ready to share your feelings this time. You hope that the decision would benefit the both of us, yet you didn’t give me a chance to have a proper closure. You didn’t give me a fair trial when you pass the ‘judgement’ to end our relationship. You didn’t want to discuss face on, chat on the phone, on9 chat, or respond to my emails. If all this is for my benefit, why could I not appreciate what you’ve done for me? Why hit and run? We can initiate and end the relationship if we’re not happy. But we should do it in a professional manner and fair to each other. If one day you’re on the receiving end of the judgement, you’ll know how I felt. That day, I really felt that you’re not the Yu En that I once loved.
Here’s a song that closely represents previous feelings, let it go right here and now, k?
P.S. I do care for you but I don’t know how you want to proceed being friends. If I couldn’t wish for long term friendship with you, at least I would wish for happiness for you in your future path. I will add you in FB again someday, and it’s up to you when and whether to add me as friend when the time comes.
Your loyal friend always,
Gary
Monday, April 25, 2011
Rebirth Day 26 - The Choice is in my hands, and I choose Forgiveness and Optimism
I choose to forgive myself and her for whatever negative emotions that emerged.
I choose to be optimistic that the future holds great happiness for myself and her.
I choose to be optimistic that the future holds great happiness for myself and her.
Rebirth Day 25 - I have goals for the future now
I have plans for the future now. At least till 30th Apr.
For 25th, i'll sleep early. Slept 4am today preparing d email. Study 2 chapters of NRP hopefully.
For 26th, i'll be oncall. But I'll study 2 chapters of NRP
For 27th, i'll be postcall. But I'll study 2 more chapters.
For 28th, i'll sit for NRP exam. Hopefully pass all.
For 29th, i'll be oncall again.
For 30th, i'll do tds, then mom will come pm. By night time, I'd post the farewell email to her and wish her all the best. For starting 1st May, I'll start anew pursuing my dream.
For 25th, i'll sleep early. Slept 4am today preparing d email. Study 2 chapters of NRP hopefully.
For 26th, i'll be oncall. But I'll study 2 chapters of NRP
For 27th, i'll be postcall. But I'll study 2 more chapters.
For 28th, i'll sit for NRP exam. Hopefully pass all.
For 29th, i'll be oncall again.
For 30th, i'll do tds, then mom will come pm. By night time, I'd post the farewell email to her and wish her all the best. For starting 1st May, I'll start anew pursuing my dream.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Rebirth Day 25 - Release all attachments to end the sufferings
I have released all my emotions, now to release all attachments. I need to let go, to move on and pursue my destiny. I do not need to count the days anymore. Every single day presents with opportunities and I'll let her know at the end of the month.
Rebirth Day 24 - What does the future holds? 0.63% chances
I kept on having flashbacks of the moments in the past 8 months. Friends and family alike have been strongly advising me to forget and move on time and again. If only I can release the memories like deleting PC files.
Gary, Gary. I have been the smartest student in primary, secondary and tertiary and among the best in university. It's time to take a careful analysis on the current scenario.
She broke up with me 24 days ago citing being friends would be better for the both of us. I emailed my feelings and she cut me off FB. I started to tone down my feelings and she responded as a friend. I wished her greetings and expected her to continue the correspondence. But what does the future holds?
We're both still single when the next time we met(80%).
I asked her the status of our relationship and she still want to be friends (99%). I wanted to meet and she agreed (50%).
We still remain friends that night (80%).
I wanted an official closure and she granted it (99%).
We still meet and chatted shortly in wards (20%).
Possibility 1 : I got transferred back to KL in Oct 2011 (75%).
She applied to JB HSI in Jan 2012 (50%)
We still keep in touch as friends (10%).
Possibility 2 : I got transferred back to KL in Oct 2011 (75%).
She wanted to stay at Melbourne (30%).
We still keep in touch as friends (1%).
Possibility 3 : I got transferred back to KL in Oct 2011 (75%).
She applied to KL hosp and got a place (20%).
We still keep in touch as friends (60%).
I waited for her and we got back together after 1 year (1%).
Possibility 4 : My transfer got deferred. I was still posted in JB till next year(25%)
She applied to JB HSI in Jan 2012 (50%)
We still keep in touch as friends (60%).
I waited for her and we got back together after 1 year (1%).
Conclusion : 0.04% Me and Yu En will still be together after we got separated.
5% Me and Yu En still be friends.
Reason for breakup: Her-55 Me-25 Ours-22.5
- For benefit of our uncertain future (her view)17.5%
- Her religion 15%
- Her parents and grandma 15%
- My inconsiderate in r/ship 15%
- Her non-chalant attitude towards r/ship 12.5%
- My insecurities 7.5%
- Her refusal to make r/ship public 7.5%
- Our social status and spending gap 5%
- My parents 2.5%
- Her indecisiveness 2.5%
- Her inconsiderate/non-understanding in r/ship 2.5%
Conclusion : She was the main reason for the breakup (55%)
Gary, Gary. I have been the smartest student in primary, secondary and tertiary and among the best in university. It's time to take a careful analysis on the current scenario.
She broke up with me 24 days ago citing being friends would be better for the both of us. I emailed my feelings and she cut me off FB. I started to tone down my feelings and she responded as a friend. I wished her greetings and expected her to continue the correspondence. But what does the future holds?
We're both still single when the next time we met(80%).
I asked her the status of our relationship and she still want to be friends (99%). I wanted to meet and she agreed (50%).
We still remain friends that night (80%).
I wanted an official closure and she granted it (99%).
We still meet and chatted shortly in wards (20%).
Possibility 1 : I got transferred back to KL in Oct 2011 (75%).
She applied to JB HSI in Jan 2012 (50%)
We still keep in touch as friends (10%).
Possibility 2 : I got transferred back to KL in Oct 2011 (75%).
She wanted to stay at Melbourne (30%).
We still keep in touch as friends (1%).
Possibility 3 : I got transferred back to KL in Oct 2011 (75%).
She applied to KL hosp and got a place (20%).
We still keep in touch as friends (60%).
I waited for her and we got back together after 1 year (1%).
Possibility 4 : My transfer got deferred. I was still posted in JB till next year(25%)
She applied to JB HSI in Jan 2012 (50%)
We still keep in touch as friends (60%).
I waited for her and we got back together after 1 year (1%).
Conclusion : 0.04% Me and Yu En will still be together after we got separated.
5% Me and Yu En still be friends.
Reason for breakup: Her-55 Me-25 Ours-22.5
- For benefit of our uncertain future (her view)17.5%
- Her religion 15%
- Her parents and grandma 15%
- My inconsiderate in r/ship 15%
- Her non-chalant attitude towards r/ship 12.5%
- My insecurities 7.5%
- Her refusal to make r/ship public 7.5%
- Our social status and spending gap 5%
- My parents 2.5%
- Her indecisiveness 2.5%
- Her inconsiderate/non-understanding in r/ship 2.5%
Conclusion : She was the main reason for the breakup (55%)
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Rebirth Day 19 - An insignificant message
I've received an email from her. Din feel much, just mild contentment. Chatted, no expectation, no pressure.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Rebirth Day 18 - Enough daydreaming
18 days should be enough for grieving. I know first love is important yet innocent. There's a lot of memories that I wouldn't be able to get out of my head. My life had been fluctuating. My rooms are turning into rat house. And my health is deteriorating. Enough is enough. I had been daydreaming too long. It's time to get back to business.
It's time to be strong. And I'll prove it with actions. She left me due to religion, mother pressure, and criticism. I know our relationship won't last and waited for her to initiate the breakup. Now, there's only one thing left to do. I'll make sure she regret breaking up. I'll let her see how I achieve my full potential without her presence. I'll let her see how happy I've become. I'll show her what she would have missed had she stayed longer to understand me more. I'll show her that even without her, I can still lead a great life. Just wait and see.
It's time to be strong. And I'll prove it with actions. She left me due to religion, mother pressure, and criticism. I know our relationship won't last and waited for her to initiate the breakup. Now, there's only one thing left to do. I'll make sure she regret breaking up. I'll let her see how I achieve my full potential without her presence. I'll let her see how happy I've become. I'll show her what she would have missed had she stayed longer to understand me more. I'll show her that even without her, I can still lead a great life. Just wait and see.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Rebirth Day 15 - I'm letting go, I'm moving on, the road is still long...
I've come to terms with my feelings. I've released all emotions from my ironsafe heart. I've no more retained feelings and emotions. I've learnt to see things from a different light. I've learnt to develop inner strength in face of adversities. I no longer be concerned if she didn't reply my email. I no longer worry that I haven't do my all, coz I've given my all and din expect any in return.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Rebirth Day 14 - I took up games to forget love
I'm getting addicted to DOTA games, in order to keep my mind occupied.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Rebirth Day 13 - I want to return to the past
The days seem to past so slow. Now is only day 13 from the separation that fills my heart with disappointment and despair. I don't want to move on. I sincerely don't. I don't want to lose her.
I'm preparing for a possible comeback. That if she is receptive to the idea. Being in a relationship where the parents don't like me, I'm doomed.
I know forcing will not soothe her pain. But being together will alleviate mine. I wanted to die, because I felt a feeling that feel worse than death. At least if i'm dead, I won't be able to do anything about it. Now I know I have a choice and I can't take that choice. How else can life be more torturing? I'm suffering from the pain of waiting. I don't know if being friends with her would cure me or pull me further into the path of pain. Arggh! God, it's torturing!
Nothing seems to pull me back on track. I felt like i'm a living dead. There's nothing to look forward to in the future if my mind is in the past.
Everything I tried, occupy my mind with work, think of meeting new girls and let her go seems only to be symptomatic relief. It doesn't treat the underlying cause. I'm just too deeply in love with her. 8 months is a long time to forget in 2 weeks. It'll take time.
I'm preparing for a possible comeback. That if she is receptive to the idea. Being in a relationship where the parents don't like me, I'm doomed.
I know forcing will not soothe her pain. But being together will alleviate mine. I wanted to die, because I felt a feeling that feel worse than death. At least if i'm dead, I won't be able to do anything about it. Now I know I have a choice and I can't take that choice. How else can life be more torturing? I'm suffering from the pain of waiting. I don't know if being friends with her would cure me or pull me further into the path of pain. Arggh! God, it's torturing!
Nothing seems to pull me back on track. I felt like i'm a living dead. There's nothing to look forward to in the future if my mind is in the past.
Everything I tried, occupy my mind with work, think of meeting new girls and let her go seems only to be symptomatic relief. It doesn't treat the underlying cause. I'm just too deeply in love with her. 8 months is a long time to forget in 2 weeks. It'll take time.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Rebirth Day 12 - The Love I Hate to Hate
I love Yu En. That's a fact. No doubt. I care for her deeply. I still do.
She's my first love and will always be. Regardless of how much she hurt me, or whether she 'killed' me with hate, I'll always want to make her happy, or at least, I want to see her happy. Hence, I make a promise to myself to give myself one month of break and then try to keep in touch with her. I know I might be hurt again. I might be humiliated and hated again, but my only aim is to make her happy. I'll give her a choice of my friendship. I want to be useful, not only to her, but to all others.
She's my first love and will always be. Regardless of how much she hurt me, or whether she 'killed' me with hate, I'll always want to make her happy, or at least, I want to see her happy. Hence, I make a promise to myself to give myself one month of break and then try to keep in touch with her. I know I might be hurt again. I might be humiliated and hated again, but my only aim is to make her happy. I'll give her a choice of my friendship. I want to be useful, not only to her, but to all others.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Rebirth Day 11 - The positives in my first relationship
I'm actively reading a lot of motivational books and webpages on how to recover from a breakup. And one of the advice is to focus on the positives in the relationship.
So I'd try not to be emotionally biased in my findings as follows:-
- I have dated a pretty sweet girl before in my life.
- I have initiated, maintained, recovered, and suffered my first heartbreak. So now I can die contented, having done all a couple does and yet not leave any ties behind.
- I have loved a girl truly, so I know I can make a girl happy - not bad for a bookworm
- I have met the 'Fockers' before, though still not impressive presentation.
- I have broken the money tightness habit. I don't need to account for every Ringgit spent as long as I can make someone happy.
- I have go to the furthest extent to woo a girl - I have given flowers, gifts, sweet cards, thoughtful movie slides, going Singapore and Melbourne, and taking efforts to understand a girl better.
- I had my first Christmas and first overseas Valentine with the girl that I love.
- I have learnt to tolerate others.
- I have learnt to accept a person regardless of how different she is from who I am.
So I'd try not to be emotionally biased in my findings as follows:-
- I have dated a pretty sweet girl before in my life.
- I have initiated, maintained, recovered, and suffered my first heartbreak. So now I can die contented, having done all a couple does and yet not leave any ties behind.
- I have loved a girl truly, so I know I can make a girl happy - not bad for a bookworm
- I have met the 'Fockers' before, though still not impressive presentation.
- I have broken the money tightness habit. I don't need to account for every Ringgit spent as long as I can make someone happy.
- I have go to the furthest extent to woo a girl - I have given flowers, gifts, sweet cards, thoughtful movie slides, going Singapore and Melbourne, and taking efforts to understand a girl better.
- I had my first Christmas and first overseas Valentine with the girl that I love.
- I have learnt to tolerate others.
- I have learnt to accept a person regardless of how different she is from who I am.
Rebirth Day 11 - Let my love leave
If I love something, I should set it free.
I am letting you leave because I love you and because I love me more. I deserve love that is reciprocated.
I am letting you leave because I love you and because I love me more. I deserve love that is reciprocated.
Rebirth Day 11 - The reason behind lost love
I'm trying to be objective in my retelling the story behind the final moment of our relationship.
I'm trying to backtrack here:
On 9 Apr 2011 - I found that she had blocked me from her FB account.
On 5 Apr 2011 - I emailed her to the her my true feelings and I still care for her. I mentioned that I felt being punished and hurt inside. She didn't replied.
On 4 Apr 2011 - She emailed to enquire about my health. She hoped that this separation is of my benefit, so work place for MOship and career options wouldn't be a dilemma. She hope relationship issues to be kept private and confidential.
On 31 Mar 2011 - She called to say she wanted us to be close buddies. She didn't want her to be the reason I'm staying. She doubted that we would even be together. Religion is an issue. Distance is an issue. I'm devastated and couldn't concentrate on my work.
On 29 Mar 2011 - She appeared confused. Distance and commitments may be contributing factors. She can't feel how much i love her. She think I love myself more and not being understanding. She is angry that she was given a hard time by me. She thought that she was obliging and tolerating and I had been cornering her to the max. And all these made her unhappy.
On 25 Mar 2011 - She texted to say that her Mom forbids me to share a room with her. I was unhappy that she brought a friend along as 'chaperone'.
On 27 Mar 2011 - I texted her but she didn't reply. She later called to say that she lost her phone in her male friend's car. It was 2am. I was unhappy that she was with a male friend so late. She said that she went to her Aunt's house with him and a female friend. I was unhappy that she still hasn't seen the pendrive movie 'My Love Darling Project' that I prepared for her. I was unhappy that I wasn't the reason she chose to stay in Malaysia. I was unhappy over her priorities in relationship. She was still unhappy that I was being cold to her and victimized her few days earlier. I didn't know whether I had hurt her in the process of being 'truthful'.
On 24 Mar 2011 - She apologized for not being understanding. She wanted to know our plans in Melbourne and arranged to meet at Flinders Street Station.
On 23 Mar 2011 - I was post call. I am packing back home when she wanted to chat. We chatted halfway when she said brb. I waited for 5 min and asked where she had been. I sarcastically teased whether she was busy and had more important things to do. She retorted back that she was talking to her mom. I said I was post call but she was unhappy.
On 21 Mar 2011 - I had corrected the Skype camera that she was unhappy about and was eager to show her at 925pm. It was 1225pm. She refused to chat even for 5 mins as it was late. She apologized the next day.
The ultimate reason behind lost love - Okay, I admit I may have make mistakes. I'm just human, so human makes mistakes. And I've received more than my fair share of punishment for that. My mistakes :-
Top 10 - I cannot control my emotions
Top 9 - I have no proper stress coping skills
Top 8 - I can get depressed easily
Top 7 - I am indecisive about my future
Top 6 - I am dependent, clingy, and become jealous easily
Top 5 - I have poor social circle with lack of social skills
Top 4 - I did not view from my lover's point of view
Top 3 - I am insensitive to a girl's feelings
Top 2 - I am uncertain about my principles and belief
Top 1 - I did not understand that love is all about giving and not expecting any in return. I am overconfident that I'm her future husband and did not show that I deserve her love for eternity.
I'm trying to backtrack here:
On 9 Apr 2011 - I found that she had blocked me from her FB account.
On 5 Apr 2011 - I emailed her to the her my true feelings and I still care for her. I mentioned that I felt being punished and hurt inside. She didn't replied.
On 4 Apr 2011 - She emailed to enquire about my health. She hoped that this separation is of my benefit, so work place for MOship and career options wouldn't be a dilemma. She hope relationship issues to be kept private and confidential.
On 31 Mar 2011 - She called to say she wanted us to be close buddies. She didn't want her to be the reason I'm staying. She doubted that we would even be together. Religion is an issue. Distance is an issue. I'm devastated and couldn't concentrate on my work.
On 29 Mar 2011 - She appeared confused. Distance and commitments may be contributing factors. She can't feel how much i love her. She think I love myself more and not being understanding. She is angry that she was given a hard time by me. She thought that she was obliging and tolerating and I had been cornering her to the max. And all these made her unhappy.
On 25 Mar 2011 - She texted to say that her Mom forbids me to share a room with her. I was unhappy that she brought a friend along as 'chaperone'.
On 27 Mar 2011 - I texted her but she didn't reply. She later called to say that she lost her phone in her male friend's car. It was 2am. I was unhappy that she was with a male friend so late. She said that she went to her Aunt's house with him and a female friend. I was unhappy that she still hasn't seen the pendrive movie 'My Love Darling Project' that I prepared for her. I was unhappy that I wasn't the reason she chose to stay in Malaysia. I was unhappy over her priorities in relationship. She was still unhappy that I was being cold to her and victimized her few days earlier. I didn't know whether I had hurt her in the process of being 'truthful'.
On 24 Mar 2011 - She apologized for not being understanding. She wanted to know our plans in Melbourne and arranged to meet at Flinders Street Station.
On 23 Mar 2011 - I was post call. I am packing back home when she wanted to chat. We chatted halfway when she said brb. I waited for 5 min and asked where she had been. I sarcastically teased whether she was busy and had more important things to do. She retorted back that she was talking to her mom. I said I was post call but she was unhappy.
On 21 Mar 2011 - I had corrected the Skype camera that she was unhappy about and was eager to show her at 925pm. It was 1225pm. She refused to chat even for 5 mins as it was late. She apologized the next day.
The ultimate reason behind lost love - Okay, I admit I may have make mistakes. I'm just human, so human makes mistakes. And I've received more than my fair share of punishment for that. My mistakes :-
Top 10 - I cannot control my emotions
Top 9 - I have no proper stress coping skills
Top 8 - I can get depressed easily
Top 7 - I am indecisive about my future
Top 6 - I am dependent, clingy, and become jealous easily
Top 5 - I have poor social circle with lack of social skills
Top 4 - I did not view from my lover's point of view
Top 3 - I am insensitive to a girl's feelings
Top 2 - I am uncertain about my principles and belief
Top 1 - I did not understand that love is all about giving and not expecting any in return. I am overconfident that I'm her future husband and did not show that I deserve her love for eternity.
Rebirth Day 11 - Reminders be gone
I'm going to blog every single day till I can completely let her off my mind. This approach is called psychodynamics. I think I didn't think of her today in the ward. The only time I'm vulnerable is when I'm alone in the room or there's reminder lying around the place. However, i think i'm making progress day after day. Now I'm thinking of her maybe just 30% of the time.
The smallest details will trigger a memory because they lie deep within your subconscious. Any small sensation can trigger an image of her. Work can occupy my mind from thinking about the sensation, but not all the time.
I need to make small changes immediately. I need to dress differently, do things differently, listen to different songs, changing my old environment that reminds me of her.
I have put away reminders of my ex. And that helps a lot.
I need to socialize with people who didn't know us as a couple. I need to know new friends, build relations with colleagues, and strengthen my existing friendships.
The smallest details will trigger a memory because they lie deep within your subconscious. Any small sensation can trigger an image of her. Work can occupy my mind from thinking about the sensation, but not all the time.
I need to make small changes immediately. I need to dress differently, do things differently, listen to different songs, changing my old environment that reminds me of her.
I have put away reminders of my ex. And that helps a lot.
I need to socialize with people who didn't know us as a couple. I need to know new friends, build relations with colleagues, and strengthen my existing friendships.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
I'm reborn - Day 10
Is it real? Tell me it's not. I have not much memory of the past. I'm supposed to be dead. I'm supposed not able to get past my relationship breakup and somehow go to heaven.
Why am I still here?
Why am I still here?
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)