By the time you see this carefully worded email, I had already let go and moved on forward. The past one month was long enough to emote my feelings of bereavement. Initially I was unhappy with the way you break the news via phone instead of face-to-face meeting. But I choose to forgive you, and don’t wish to pass over any emotions. I have deleted unnecessary words to spare you unwanted feelings. I choose to discuss facts instead of emotions. At the same time, I choose to forgive myself for whatever unintended unhappiness that I may have caused to the one I love. Life is a series of choice, and I choose optimism and forgiveness as my strength.
This past month, I had been trying to backtrack and analyse what brought us to this predicament. But I experienced indescribable pain flipping through all those memories. What was once sweet for months suddenly became bland and turned bitter. I’ve spent countless sleepless nights pondering about our past. I’ve been through loss, anxiety, anger, depression, and acceptance. You weren’t there when I needed you most, but it’s alright. I realised that the reasons you gave were valid. Religion, I wasn’t a devout Buddhist back then, however I was prepared to embrace a new religion if that will bring us closer had we progressed further. I just wished you’d be able to accept the presence of Buddhism in my parents’ life. If my necklace could bring so much misery to you, I do doubt how well you’d accept my parents into your life if we were meant to be together. Parental judgement, I have no comments, since your parents had formed their judgement early. Both of us do have our own expectations of couple though. If we can tolerate on our expectations of each other, we would still be together. Maybe the understanding wasn’t deep enough for the both of us. Uncertain future settling place, that is certain. I was willing to consider staying in foreign state for my future partner. You don’t want to be my burden and you would wish to freely pick your future place. So I say, let’s reach for the sky and fly high on our own paths. Last but not least, we weren’t well prepared for a relationship, since this was our first romantic relationship. You once mentioned we might not even have started had we researched all the above reasons. We progressed too fast, didn’t really explore each other’s background compatibilities and family acceptance or look for the middle point of tolerance, before getting carried away with intimacy. Having said that, I choose to believe that love should be felt with the heart, and not analysed with the rational mind. Thus, I have no regrets in the progression of our relationship. I believe the above issues can be solved had we spared some time and effort to work out solutions. Other issues wouldn’t be a factor if we had enough faith in each other.
(This part was unedited as I wish you’ll treasure our magical moments from the start till our short-lived end.) The path we started on was so innocent and fun. All I wanted was to get to know you. All I wanted was to hang out with you. You were the special girl that I never thought exist and would become my first girlfriend. You have everything that I thought would be perfect for the girl of my dream. I truly enjoy the time when we fully express our affection to each other. I do appreciate your every attempt to share your heart with me. I do appreciate all the nice and thoughful little actions you showed me. I felt very special during those moments. I am grateful to you for wanting to fill up our ‘log books’ together as a couple. It was a dream comes true. I do loved you with all my heart and soul. I do enjoy every single moment shared with you, most are happy ones (which I treasure in my heart and soul, sad ones die off with my past self). I do embrace all the influences you bring to my life (I eat healthier, be more gentlemanly, more understanding, be more positive, listen to English songs, speaking in English). I will never be able to forget the old places that serve as reminders of our presence in JB, Singapore, KL, and Melbourne.
We both changed over time when we’re exposed to new places and you met more new people in your ‘huge’ world that you can’t wait to explore. Throughout time, we grew more comfortable with each other that we started to take each other for granted. But all was still well until the time when one of us stopped trying. It was when things took a downturn. I wanted to leave you a pleasant memory untainted by imperfection. However, our relationship did not work out and had to end with separation. Yet I hope at least we have learnt important lessons in our relationship to help us in the search for our future suitable partners.
I used to mind if you’ve found a new boyfriend, coz I’ve heard rumours. But our separation seemed so long ago. Someday I’d receive news that you’ve met the guy of your dream. I’d be happy for you should you really meet the one you love and can bring you happiness. Be it the Melbourne good guy or old friend you met abroad, you have my blessings. I want you to know, deep in my heart, I’ll always pray for your happiness. That’s the least I can do for you right now. And I’ll find a better soul partner who love me wholeheartedly and bring me happiness at the same time.
Buddhism has a saying, attachment is the source of all sufferings. I have learnt to relax and let go of all forms of attachments especially negative emotions that would weigh us down. People come in and go out of our lives, I have learnt to let the world goes round. By letting go of attachments, only then can I free myself of the chain of the past. By releasing all unhappy thoughts and events, I can open my heart to any happiness that may come my way. I choose not to harbour any resentment, only anticipations that tomorrow will be an even better day, for the both of us.
I will never forget your beautiful words, “Whatever you want to say next, my answer is positive”. Yes, we should stay positive for the rest of our lives.
Thus, I would like you to know, if ever you need a friend to share your happiness or sorrow, I’ll always be there to listen, as your loyal friend. Now, I have no regrets in the past going to whatever extent and effort to maintain our first relationship. I know I had tried my very best to win your heart. My only regret is that whatever I did wasn’t enough to convince you that I’m the right guy. Maybe you’re not the right person to feel my heart and safe keep it. Fate has a way of putting things in place. Right now, we don’t owe each other anything, so anything that goes from here should come out freely from our hearts and souls.
I choose to have no expectations from you if that is what you really want and if it will make you feel happier. You may no longer want to share your feelings with me, and it’s your right and I respect that. This email doesn’t change anything if you no longer care about me. I hope the message contained here would be beneficial for you in the future. I don’t know what the future holds, but if our paths do cross in the future, things might be different from what we expected, who knows?
Some things do change, but my care for you won’t. Having released negative emotions not to anyone but to the empty space where they belong, I feel happier by the day making choices in life that I would cherish. We started off as strangers, but I really don’t hope to end like that. I don’t know how but I really hope we can still be on good mutual terms, if that is ever truly possible.
You’ll be working professional soon, should you require anything at all, really anything at all, I’d be happy to offer my assistance. . I’d like to continue MSN chat or skype with you like before. We can crap whole nite and talk about MOs and Specialists and discuss medical managements. We can still share thoughts about other people, whenever you’re ready.
Initially, I was upset at the way you inform me of our breakup. Via phone, not even skype. The first time I was driving to work, and the second time I was on call in ICU. Thank goodness, I wasn’t involved in accident or cause any patient’s loss of life. My MO and specialist were understanding enough to tell me to take a break. You were in a hurry to break off our 8 months relationship yet you don’t have the courage to tell me face to face. And I was right beside you the whole time during the Melbourne trip. I sensed things were not right earlier before I came to visit you in Melbourne. You were distancing yourself ever since December. You always listen to your parents so I supposed you weren’t ready to get too involved. I was aware that you were not ready to share your feelings this time. You hope that the decision would benefit the both of us, yet you didn’t give me a chance to have a proper closure. You didn’t give me a fair trial when you pass the ‘judgement’ to end our relationship. You didn’t want to discuss face on, chat on the phone, on9 chat, or respond to my emails. If all this is for my benefit, why could I not appreciate what you’ve done for me? Why hit and run? We can initiate and end the relationship if we’re not happy. But we should do it in a professional manner and fair to each other. If one day you’re on the receiving end of the judgement, you’ll know how I felt. That day, I really felt that you’re not the Yu En that I once loved.
Here’s a song that closely represents previous feelings, let it go right here and now, k?
P.S. I do care for you but I don’t know how you want to proceed being friends. If I couldn’t wish for long term friendship with you, at least I would wish for happiness for you in your future path. I will add you in FB again someday, and it’s up to you when and whether to add me as friend when the time comes.
Your loyal friend always,
Gary
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